god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Can you repeat that, but with context?
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Randomize
