You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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