Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
