Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
You are a genius and a whore.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
