So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
