I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Randomize
