threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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