Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
