walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
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