PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Randomize
