and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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