i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
