he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize