I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
