is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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