Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
