The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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