we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
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