just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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