Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Randomize
