omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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