I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Randomize