During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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