so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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