I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
