you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
