I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
