he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
