Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
i mean i'm ok with bufu but if i'm gonna do it it needs to be a mutual agreement, and there are steps that need to be taken. you don't just go OOPS we're doing it now
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize