I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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