Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize