My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize