Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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