i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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