the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Randomize
