I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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