We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
