my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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