dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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