Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
