I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize