11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
