He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
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