There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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