Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize
