he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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