pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
