AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
