Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
