I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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