I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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