My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
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