It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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