Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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