I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
