I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
