Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
