At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
