Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
